I learnt that I can easily find pleasure and peace in the little things in life. I'd like to think that, at least.
Sure, I love to dream up extravagant dreams, reveries which are fun to imagine. But at the same time, I don't ask for it. I'm content when I'm reading a book, or lying down on the sofa, or even just sitting in the car, way at the back. At these times, when you don't do anything or say anything, that's when I find it easiest to be at peace.
Some people love the noise and the excitement and the hustle and bustle of life. Well, I like it too. Just in a different way.
When I sit down in a car, with Kk Han beside me and my whole family in front, and the songs are playing, and the kids are chatting and singing, and you feel the vehicle moving beneath you; that's when I really feel content. I don't have to do anything, and I don't have to say anything, but I just sit, listen, and watch. It's like watching the world go by without participating in it, and to me that's very calming. I can sit in a car for miles, just watching and doing nothing.
And not just the car. Buses are included too. And MRTs. I think that's why I prefer going home alone. Silently sitting down, watching the world whoosh by infront of you and feeling the ground moving beneath you; the whole ride can be a trip of silent pleasure. I've come to really value that.
It's great to be with friends and family. It's wonderful to talk, and to interact, and to laugh. It's splendid to be a part of the world. But just observing the world is beautiful as well.
Deenana at 7:26 PM
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Doshite?
You and I can never be what we expect each other to be And that is life, and that is beautiful And that is you, and this is me.
.....
When people expect me to be a certain person, and I don't be that certain person, they would be dissappointed. But if I do become that certain person, then I would be dissapointed.
Many may have thought that I have changed. Maybe they're right, but I don't think so. Sure, I'm quiet at school, and I don't mix around, but I'm still me. Why can't anybody see that? I cannot always be happy, or cheerful, or up-beat. Things change. Feelings change.
"People often ask me questions I cannot very well answer in words. And it makes me sad to think that they cannot understand the voice of my silence."
Deenana at 11:55 PM
Outhale-ness
Something I wrote months ago but never posted. .....
Sometimes I think I'm the harderst person in the world to understand. That my heart is the hardest thing in the world to listen to.
I have heard of people looking into mirrors, to look at themselves and see who they really are. To reflect. But whenever I do that same practice, all I can see is an average-looking girl looking blankly and somewhat stupidly back at me. It was then that I realised that, mirrors cannot tell you who they are. Mirrors do no reflect the person you are inside. And that only crushed me even more.
I want to know who I am, really. I want to understand who I am. The things I think and the things I feel are confusing, to say the very least. Sometimes I think that I know who I am or what my life and the world is about, but then something will happen and I will start the cycle of doubt all over again.
I think I feel this way because, as strong as I may seem on the outside, my inside is very weak. It cannot find a strong belief to hold to. Belief, as in not the religion kind. I deeply believe in Islam, alhamdulliah. But when I say 'belief', belief in myslef. As self-confident as I may seem, I don't really believe this to be true.
As I have mentioned earlier, people see me as a strong person, who lives her own way, who does not care about what others say. But is that all a mask? Because as much as I wish not, I am affected by what people do say about me, no matter what it is about. How can I not?
My friends call me 'RubberBall', because whatever anyone says will simply bounce off me. And sometimes, when I am with friends and family, things DO bounce off me. Sometimes.
Because they forget, rubber balls can get punctured. When you hit it with something sharp, again and again and again, it would get a hole, no matter how tough it is.
But... I cannot let people see my holes. Why, not? I don't think I know for sure. I just... can't.
So I always turn my holes away from everyone else's sight. Hide it behind my back, and just keep smiling. I want to find the day when I can smile without hiding anything. I don't know when it is, but I'll keep waiting.
Until then... I'll keep listening. For my heart. Maybe one day it'll finally tell something.
Deenana at 11:32 PM
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Boo, You Stink!
Badminton.
.....
Isn't that THE shortest quote you have ever seen? (I quoted it by the way). Haha. Because really, that's what I learnt today. I mean, not that I had never played it before, but it was the first in a long long time. Admittedly, I started off pathetically, but ended up pretty good. ^_ ^
Check out dee-amaya for more details. Maybe I'll even post pictures there (ya right).
And I also have a LOT of time to play the computer (for now) until Aba comes homes. Wee!
Deenana at 3:36 PM
Samuzora
We used to be so close together But twilight's colours have changed now. .....
Wow. What do you know? More surprises today. And maybe some dissappointments as well?
One must not be discouraged, and although it is alright to expect some things, one must not expect too much as well. Along with expecting good things to come, I have come to understand one must be ready to accept bad things as well.
Besides, life isn't all about the bad things and the hard falls that you take. There is something good that will come out of this.
Meanwhile, I have a glorious glorious day ahead of me. I must not let my dissapointments get in the way. Hiding them might not be the best option, but when it is your only option, there is nothing else you can do. I was foolish, anyhow.
We used to be close together, but twilight's colours have changed now. I will live strong.
^-^
Deenana at 12:46 PM
Friday, June 02, 2006
Spiky Hair
Surprise is the greatest gift which life can grant us.
.....
Boris Pasternak, you have got to be kidding me.
Surprises can be nice, yes. But besides the nice surprise are also nasty ones. And then there are the surprises that are somewhere in between. How should I say it? As in, they're both wonderful yet nasty at the same time. It's kinda hard to explain. As hard as explaining 'different yet exactly the same', in fact. You're not quite sure what it means until you experience it for yourself. So, anyway.
I got a call from a comrade today. It went like this:
(After greetings)
Comrade: Are you going to the tournament? Me: Well, I haven't really decided yet, but I guess so, yeah! When? Comrade: Well, there's badminton on the 2oth, futsal on the 22nd, and netball on the 23rd.
SURPRISE!
Me: Cool. Comrade: Btw, so and so got into the badminton tournament!
SURPRISE!
Me: Really? Comrade: Ya! And so got into futsal, together with so I think. Me: Which one did you get into? Comrade: *proudly* Netball.
So anyway, we talked for a few seconds, then hung up.
Ok, so you might think: "Ya alahh itu jer. Itu pon nak surprise sangat". But it was quite.... well... surprising. I wondered how come no one told me anything about it before now. Was I the only one who was late in the news? Maybe everyone else had already known. Like Mimah's party. Two days had passed before I found out that it was actually over. I didn't know that it was so early in the month of June, so when people talked about it, it came to me as quite a
SURPRISE!
Unless all surprises are wonderful, I really can't see how it can be a gift in life. Maybe there are somethings to be learnt from nasty surprises, but I sure can't think of one.
I have a lot to learn.
I realised that surprise comes when you expect something, and then when you're expectations don't meet, there would be a
SURPRISE!
Even if you don't expect ANYthing, it would still be considered as SOMEthing, because expecting NOTHING is still expecting SOMEthing (the something being nothing). And then I remembered that I had learnt before to not 'count your chickens until they had hatched'. Which shows just how much I actually learn form my mistakes. But, really. You can't help but expect something, I figure. You're always expecting something, right? Which brings me to the conclusion that you cannot not expect something, and you cannot avoid being surprised.
And to wrap it all up: what have I learnt today? Nothing much, really. I was just really surprised.
Deenana at 2:07 PM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Senior
I doubt there is ANY poem or quote or phrase to describe what I have learnt.
I have mastered the art of....
GORENG IKANNNN.
Not easy for me you know! I think I over heated the oil a bit, but it was pretty neat watching it go psssshhhhhh. When I took the fish out and compared it with the ones my mum goreng-ed (??), I couldn't tell the difference.