NiGHt RaiN: Zest

Monday, May 22, 2006

Zest

I'm sadder but I'm wiser too.

.....

I'm losing all my close friends one by one. Pretty soon I won't find anyone I can trust. How sad. But what can I do? I'll learn, and I'll live.

Got most of our exam papers today. I was crushed. Considering the past few days, the results seemed to be good, and I thought I would improve. No such luck. I'm dreading this Friday when our report books would be taken and inspected by our parents. Sometimes, when the day comes for us to take our report books and give it to our parents to see, I feel as if I'm preparing myself for the war. You know, for the worst. But there's nothing I can do now but to brave the storm and walk right into it.

I always dread the results because they always make me feel like I want to cry. In the good golden days, I used to get top 3 all the time. Of course, primary school was easy, but you get my point. These days, though, I only manage to get top 10, and even then hardly. I fear that I would get lower than that this year. I know what is expected of me, but of course, I don't live up to it. Sad, isn't it? I think it's because I never found the will to try, or the will to care, if such a sentence exists. I feel that the thing that I need the most is for someone to sit beside me and to help me revise everything. But I don't ask for help because, well, it's embarassing. It's not only because I might seem stupid (what hurts worst is when you ask a question and they go, "You don't know???"). But it's also because my dad and my mum are always tired by the end of the day, and Kak Han is having her school, so there isn't really anyone I can turn to who can spend their time just helping me study. Besides, I'm 14 already, aren't I? I should know how to study for myself. I guess the sad truth is that I need someone to help me care. Is that even possible?

It's strange. People (classmates, mostly) always think that I get great marks for my examinations, which makes me think Shows how much you know, hey buddy ol' pal? Of course, in a way it can be nice. People think you're smart, right?

But I'm not as smart as they think. (I'm not going to the camp, btw. I don't deserve it.)

And like I said, I'm losing my friends one by one. These days, I'm getting sadder, but I also feel as if I'm learning a lot. Well, maybe not a lot. Just a little, but it sure is better than nothing. And the strangest part is, despite the fact that I'm losing my friends and that I'm doing absolutely horribly for my exams, it makes me smile to know that at least I'm gaining a little bit of wisdom. Isn't that nice?

Deenana at 3:30 PM