NiGHt RaiN: Outhale-ness

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Outhale-ness

Something I wrote months ago but never posted.
.....

Sometimes I think I'm the harderst person in the world to understand. That my heart is the hardest thing in the world to listen to.

I have heard of people looking into mirrors, to look at themselves and see who they really are. To reflect. But whenever I do that same practice, all I can see is an average-looking girl looking blankly and somewhat stupidly back at me. It was then that I realised that, mirrors cannot tell you who they are. Mirrors do no reflect the person you are inside. And that only crushed me even more.

I want to know who I am, really. I want to understand who I am. The things I think and the things I feel are confusing, to say the very least. Sometimes I think that I know who I am or what my life and the world is about, but then something will happen and I will start the cycle of doubt all over again.

I think I feel this way because, as strong as I may seem on the outside, my inside is very weak. It cannot find a strong belief to hold to. Belief, as in not the religion kind. I deeply believe in Islam, alhamdulliah. But when I say 'belief', belief in myslef. As self-confident as I may seem, I don't really believe this to be true.

As I have mentioned earlier, people see me as a strong person, who lives her own way, who does not care about what others say. But is that all a mask? Because as much as I wish not, I am affected by what people do say about me, no matter what it is about. How can I not?

My friends call me 'RubberBall', because whatever anyone says will simply bounce off me. And sometimes, when I am with friends and family, things DO bounce off me. Sometimes.

Because they forget, rubber balls can get punctured. When you hit it with something sharp, again and again and again, it would get a hole, no matter how tough it is.

But... I cannot let people see my holes. Why, not? I don't think I know for sure. I just... can't.

So I always turn my holes away from everyone else's sight. Hide it behind my back, and just keep smiling. I want to find the day when I can smile without hiding anything. I don't know when it is, but I'll keep waiting.

Until then... I'll keep listening. For my heart. Maybe one day it'll finally tell something.

Deenana at 11:32 PM